Vital / Health
Your Sexy Second Half-Century
Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer has written more than 30 books, including the recently published third edition of Sex for Dummies.
In addition to her thousands of radio and television appearances over the years, Dr. Ruth has made several documentary films seen on PBS, most recently one on the Druze, an ancient native minority in Syria, Lebanon, and Israel; this summer she’ll be filming another on family life among the Bedouins of North Africa. Her spare time is spent with family and pursuing her favorite hobby, skiing, which she highly recommends to promote longevity and the foundation of a good sex life.
Following are excerpts from Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50, written with Pierre Lehu, her longtime “Minister of Communications” (with whom she has collaborated on more than a dozen books). As always, Dr. Ruth’s information is scientifically validated, based on real data, backed by years of clinical and academic research — and presented with candor, compassion, humor, a hearty helping of optimism, and a strong practical bent.
— David Gibbons
Focus and effort will be rewarded.
Are there drawbacks to getting older? Of course there are. But, let me say categorically, when it comes to the subject that is my area of expertise, S E X, there’s a lot of good news. Many people discover they have some of the best sex of their lives after 50, 60, and even after 70. “Oh, come on, Dr. Ruth,” I hear you saying, “You’re pulling our leg. You’re just trying to make us feel better about growing old.” Wait a minute, I didn’t say all the changes were positive, just some of them. And if you are sexually illiterate and don’t understand how to make the best use of sex at this stage of your life, your sex life can definitely plummet. So, while the prospects are good, it’s going to take a conscious effort on your part to make the most of your potential. But you know what? That extra effort is an important part of the reason sex can get better.
Your brain is your most important sex organ.
Why do I put more stress on what is happening above your neck than below your waist? Because the libido, the part of your psyche that causes you to become aroused, resides in your brain.
The empty nest
There comes a time in every couple’s life when the kids are gone. During the first couple of weeks this exodus can leave you feeling depressed. But eventually it begins to dawn on you that, while you’ve lost your children, you’ve gained something almost as precious: your privacy. And with this new-found privacy comes the opportunity to rekindle your sex life. You may have heard psychologists talk about empty-nest syndrome. Fortunately, this is not something every couple encounters. Empty-nest syndrome occurs when there are already problems with the relationship. There are many couples who stay together just because of the children, though they might not realize it at the time.
Empty-nest syndrome can be prevented if caught early enough, but, in my experience it can rarely be reversed once it has set in. However, if you are having problems as a couple that you think may be evidence of empty-nest syndrome, don’t throw in the towel: Go seek professional counseling. There may be ways of saving your relationship.
It’s not too late.
What else can you do to break yourselves from the pattern of holding back when the kids were around?
Verbalize your amorous thoughts. Let yourself go and make as many loud groans and moans as you like.
Slow dance. If the right song comes on the radio, fall into each other’s arms.
Dress sexier.
Leave the bathroom door open most of the time. The less inhibited you are, the better your sex life will be.
Break some rules. Have sex at 6 P.M., then have dinner. Take your shower in the evening — together.
A new need for foreplay
It’s important for me to mention a key fact in male-female sexual interplay that is often overlooked by many couples: Women take longer to become aroused than men. (That’s why I tell men to send flowers ahead of time rather than bring them to the door.) This doesn’t change with regard to women as they get older. They still need time to get aroused. But it does change with regard to men, who will find they need more time than the split second it took when they were 18. So while it is important for every couple to understand that foreplay should begin long before the couple gets under the sheets, it is even more important for older couples, as now both partners require some foreplay.
Body Image
As you get older your body changes, and those changes tend to be negative rather than positive. It’s easy for one or both partners to begin to view his or her body as unattractive, and regardless of whether or not this is true, the person will feel that his or her partner shares this negative impression. For example, a woman who has put on 10 pounds may think her husband no longer finds her attractive, when he may actually like it — or, like many men I’ve encountered, is oblivious to it.
The most important thing I can say with regard to the issue of body image is to believe your partner. Very often I hear people saying they don’t find themselves attractive when their partners are saying just the opposite. While I understand you may not be as happy with the way you look now as when you were 20, the bottom line is that you don’t have to attract yourself; you have to be attractive to your partner: If your partner still finds you sexy, then you are sexy.
You should tell your partner as often as possible how sexy she looks and how excited you get seeing her naked.
I recommend candlelight as another helpful tool. The flickering shadows thrown off by candlelight add a sexy aura to any room. Do be a bit careful with candles so as not to cause a fire, though.
The importance of good communications
Dealing with inhibitions of any kind requires one important skill, and that is communication. It’s always important for a couple to be able to communicate, but as I’ve been saying, it’s even more important when undergoing a series of changes. Without good communication it is easy for there to be miscommunication, which can cause serious harm to the relationship.
Let me give you an example. In young men, the sight of a pretty girl walking by can be enough to give them an erection. As men age, they start to lose this ability. Eventually they lose it altogether. They can still have an erection, but they need physical stimulation.
What happens when a husband reaches this stage and neither half of the couple is aware of what is happening? Since seeing his wife in the nude no longer gives him an erection, he may think he’s no longer attracted to her. When she sees that her body is not having the effect it always had on him, she may think he’s giving at the office. He may actually think he needs to have an affair in order to continue to have a sex life. She may compound the problem by withdrawing from him sexually because she thinks he no longer finds her attractive. He may be too embarrassed to talk about it. Their whole relationship can come apart just because they’re not communicating.
Menopause: (Men: Don’t skip this part!)
Let me dispel a myth: There is no evidence that going through menopause means a woman loses her sex drive. It will bring changes in her life in general, some of which may have a negative effect on her sex life, especially if she is not forewarned and adequately prepared to deal with them. But menopause is not a death sentence to a woman’s sex life by any means.
Physiological aspects
Are there women who had a good sex life and suddenly lose interest after they reach menopause? Yes, this definitely happens. And there is some evidence that the change in hormones affects a certain percentage of women in this way. If you are suffering from diminished sexual interest after menopause, this lowering of your libido could have a physical aspect, but the cause is likely to be psychological as well.
My advice is to deal with all the psychological issues first to see if you can’t get your sex life back into full swing by making some mental adjustments, and only start looking at hormone replacement therapy as a last resort.
Ageism
Another reason for diminished sex drive is related to a prejudice, and it’s called ageism. There are common perceptions about older people held by the general public, even among senior citizens themselves, that are just not true. One of these is that older people aren’t sexy. This is rubbish.
Humans can continue to have and enjoy sex into their 90s.
Physical Problems Don’t Preclude Sex.
When a woman’s level of estrogen decreases (with menopause), she will experience a wide array of physical changes including a decrease in the size of the labia minor, clitoris, uterus, and ovaries; a thinning and smoothing of the walls of the vagina, which loses the soft folds and cushioning effect; a loss of vaginal elasticity, which may cause the opening to narrow and the overall length of the vagina to shorten.
There will be an accompanying decrease in the amount of vaginal lubrication. It may take longer for vaginal lubrication to begin, and the amount will be diminished. All of these reactions stem from a lower level of blood flow to the pelvic region upon arousal.
As a result of these changes, intercourse can become a lot less comfortable, and in some cases can be painful. Adding to the potential discomfort for the woman is that older men, including those who would ejaculate like jack rabbits when they were younger, usually take longer to have their orgasm. So just at the point in her life when a woman might want the time for intercourse to be shortened, it lengthens.
Cause or effect?
Some women use vaginal dryness and its accompanying discomfort as an excuse not to have sex, but many of these women belong to that group who never enjoyed sex to begin with. This is sad for them, but it makes their position against engaging in sex after menopause more understandable.
Yet another group of women don’t know how to communicate with their partners about the changes they are undergoing. Many feel they are somehow to blame. and rather than discussing vaginal dryness and explaining the need for an artificial lubricant, they simply try to evade sexual contact altogether.
And since far too many men don’t know that vaginal dryness is a natural part of menopause and that their partner is likely to be experiencing it, instead of helping their lovers through this stage they end up contributing to the problem by becoming angry at the sorry state of their sex lives.
Studies have shown that post-menopausal women can prevent the loss of vaginal lubrication and diminish the thinning of the vaginal walls and the shrinkage of the vagina by engaging in sex at least twice a week. That’s right, the more that an older women engages in sex, the less severe will be the symptoms of menopause related to good sexual functioning. Need I say more?
Take advantage of your feminine wiles.
Older women can make up for some of the physical changes by using the expertise they’re acquired over the years. If you’re with the same partner, he’s someone you know quite well, and this gives you a distinct advantage. But this advantage will only be yours to use if you grab it.
I would advise you to make an analysis of your partner and your relationship. Examine how you have sex and what changes could take place. You can pick and choose what changes you feel would be manageable and what ones you might never be able to accept. I don’t want anyone to feel pressured into performing a sex act they find unpleasant, but you shouldn’t have a knee-jerk reaction either.
True seduction
I’ve found boredom is a lot more dangerous to a relationship than any other factor. By using your brain to make every day as interesting as possible, you can protect your relationship from the ravages of time. If you take your partner to spend an afternoon with you at a museum, where he can be stimulated by both the art and your company, you have a much better chance of getting him to make terrific love to you that night. On the other hand, if you spend the night glued to the TV in one room while he’s off doing something else, perhaps even watching TV in another room, the connection just won’t be there when you climb into bed together.
The physical changes men can expect: loss of psychogenic erections (Women: Don’t skip this section.)
At some point every man will cease to have psychogenic erections altogether. Please be careful: I’m not saying he won’t be able to have erections, just not psychogenic ones inspired by the mere sight of a woman. When he reaches the point where psychogenic erections no longer occur, he will need physical stimulation in order to have an erection.
What every man who hasn’t gone through this stage is now saying to himself is: “When will this happen to me?” The answer is there is no set age. It can happen as early as a man’s 40s, becomes more likely in his 50s, and is almost sure to take place before he gets out of his 60s. As you can see, this is a broad age range. But long before a man can no longer get psychogenic erections, he will notice that he gets many fewer of them. He’ll also notice that his orgasms aren’t quite as strong, that he ejaculates less volume than when he was younger, and that it takes him longer to have an erection after he has ejaculated than before — days, perhaps, instead of the minutes it took him when he was 18.
This is all part of the normal process of aging, and shouldn’t affect his sex life very much because with a little physical stimulation he’ll still be able to have an erection and ejaculate even if he finds the time interval between such events needs to be a bit longer than when he was younger. And there is often a silver lining to all of this, which is that men who used to have problems controlling when they would ejaculate -- that is, suffered from premature ejaculation -- will develop more control than they ever had.
Erectile dysfunction
As we examine men in an even older population, we find some of them progress to the point where erections are impossible, even with physical stimulation. Or they can get an erection, but it isn’t hard enough to allow penetration, or it doesn’t last long enough for intercourse to take place. Again there is no particular age when this will happen, and for many men it may never happen. According to The International Journal of Impotence Research, studies indicate that the number of men from age 40 to 70 with erectile difficulties is in the 5-to-20 percent range. For most men it will begin slowly, so that at times they’ll be able to have an erection, but the frequency will decrease more and more until one day it becomes impossible.
Consult a doctor.
If you’re having problems obtaining or maintaining an erection and think you may be a candidate for one of those pills [Viagra, Levitra. or Cialis], make an appointment to see your family doctor or a urologist. Such pills all have side effects, which can include headaches, flushing, and a stuffy nose. Since every man will react to each one of these pills at least slightly differently, and some men find one pill or the other provides a harder and more lasting erection, there’s no telling in advance which one might be best for you.
I should point out that erectile dysfunction is more likely to occur in men who smoke, drink too much alcohol, are overweight, or are couch potatoes. So if a doctor can convince a man to change some of these habits, not only will the subject increase his ability to have an erection but he’ll also be improving his overall health.
For couples who start out with a basically healthy relationship the key is to talk beforehand about how you’re going to integrate these pills into your love life. The planning the pills require may remove a degree of spontaneity, but that’s not the end of the world. If the woman feels she is a full partner in the decision-making, she’s going to feel a lot less anxious about this whole new development.
And if truth be told, the man is going to feel better about it too, because no man likes being turned down. The alternative -- that he takes the pill without letting his partner know and then pressures her for sex -- is likely to be damaging to their relationship.
If a couple is experiencing significant relationship problems, I strongly recommend they see a marital or relationship counselor before resorting to medication to improve his erections. Otherwise the added pressure brought on by these pills could become the straw that breaks the back of their relationship.
Psychologically based erectile dysfunction
The number of men who suffer from physically based erectile dysfunction is relatively small, even in older men, and not every one of these men needs or is able to take a pill. There are many men who have a problem with their erections that is not physical at all but which stems from some psychological issue. These men would improve their sexual functioning a lot more effectively using sex therapy than pills, because, while a pill may give a man the ability to have an erection, he still has to have the desire. If a man is having difficulty getting excited, these pills won’t have the desired effect.
In some cases there are men who have both problems, a psychological one and a physical one. Until the psychological one is cleared up, there’s no way of telling whether the pills could be beneficial in fixing his physical problem.
Other changes
Men are very concerned about their ability to have an erection, but there are two other parts of male sexuality to address as well: orgasm and ejaculation. As a man ages, it will take him longer to have an orgasm and the sensations during orgasm may not be quite as strong as before. But unless there is an underlying medical condition, men should be able to continue to have orgasms whatever the situation with their erections. In fact many men who can’t have erections at all, meaning they can’t have intercourse, can still have an orgasm if their penis is stimulated manually or orally.
Problems men have with body image
Of course problems with the ability to obtain or maintain an erection are not the only medical issues that can affect a man’s sex life. A problem faced by both sexes that’s slightly different in men than in women is body image. One big difference is because of the fact that men and women don’t share the same equipment. While there are some changes in the appearance of a woman’s genitals, they’re not as visible as a man’s.
Body-image problems may stem from physical changes, but they are psychological in nature. An older man’s penis will not look as virile as it once did, and that’s part of the problem. Also, as men age they often put on weight, and that, believe it or not, ends up shortening a man’s penis. The reason is the penis you see is not the entire organ. In men of normal weight, about a third of the penis is buried underneath the skin. But the fatter a man gets, the less of the entire penis is exposed, and if a man is very fat, not only will the exterior portion of his penis have shrunk significantly, making some sexual positions impossible, but his protruding belly may make matters even worse so he may not find any position that allows him to have intercourse.
The key to curing this double-edged difficulty is for him to lose weight, because then his belly will shrink, bringing him literally closer to his partner, and his penis will lengthen as more of it sees the light of day. Losing weight will also give him more energy, thereby increasing his desire for sex.
Quill Driver Books 2005
